I tried to cut down my calories yesterday. (Coz I believe low-calorie diet is the way to go). And I was starving the whole afternoon. It's a mental torture. Then I realize, I just cut 200-300 calories from my diet. And I'm still consuming 1880 calories a day. Man, I wanna try having 1600. I guess it's gonna be really hungry journey for me. I'm meeting with a nutristionist on 16th. I think I'm gonna argue with her if she keeps yelling at me (that's what happened when I met with a nutrisitionist for the very first time when I was like 17). Coz they have never been fat. They don't have emotional eating or impulsive eating issues. They're like robots. They only eat what is healthy and don't eat what is not healthy. I can't do that. Not now. So it's gonna be a real struggle.
I'm planning to get healthy and go to Australia at mid-2010. It's a year and a half from now. I'm planning to lose 100 pounds before doing so. Of course I'll try to train myself to be physically fit. Or at least I can run and climb and all that. Coz I plan to do all the exciting stuff in the great outdoor of Australia (I hate nature. That's another thing I have to work on). I'm not sure whether I can do it, esp. I have to get a job real soon. And if you're working like 12-15 hours a day, 5.5 days a week. How can you lose weight? I'll probably gain weight because of it. So it's gonna be a terrible struggle. But I have a year and a half. And I have to do that for my health and my trip. So I have confidence that I can do that. Even just lose 60 pounds (to be under 200) would be great.
I'm so sleepy now. I'll probably eat more today. (Sleep deprivation is another deadly factor for excessive eating.)
Ronny xx
Monday, December 8, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Day 55 - I'm all good~
I just came back from my gyno appointment. The doctor said the medicine works. There's no sign of cell mutation after taking the medicine. I still have to do the endometrial sampling 2 times before I can off that medicine. I'm so happy right now. I DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SURGERY!!!
So now I just have to focus on getting my life back on track. Find a job, lose weight, plan my one-year working holiday trip to Australia and prepare to study Master's in USA (preferably New York).
Thank God for listening to my prays and take care of my body. I can't thank You enough.
I went to the gym afterwards and I'm really exhausted now. My foot hurt. I think I hurt the back of my thigh and the top of my right foot. I can barely walk. But I'm happy. And I lose like 1 pound since Monday. Haha.
Ronny xx
So now I just have to focus on getting my life back on track. Find a job, lose weight, plan my one-year working holiday trip to Australia and prepare to study Master's in USA (preferably New York).
Thank God for listening to my prays and take care of my body. I can't thank You enough.
I went to the gym afterwards and I'm really exhausted now. My foot hurt. I think I hurt the back of my thigh and the top of my right foot. I can barely walk. But I'm happy. And I lose like 1 pound since Monday. Haha.
Ronny xx
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Day 54 - Result is out tomorrow.
I thought I've written my hospitalized experience here. No biggy. It's not like people are waiting for my entry. Ha.
Last Wednesday I've decided to go to the Emergency Room and see if I can get some painkillers and all. So I went with my mom and waited for 2 hours. (Coz I'm not emergency) Then finally the doctor called me in and I told him what's wrong. Then he pressed my stomach a little so see if there's anything wrong. Nothing. Then he asked me to wait outside. After a while, they called me in again. Another ER physician took my finger and poked it, drew some blood and put on some test paper. That looks like diabetes test paper, but it could be testing my blood red vessel. I overheard the physician said that I'm gonna be hospitalized. And I asked her, "I need to be hospitalized?" She said yes. OH MY DEAR LORD!! That's my worst nightmare. I'm so afraid they will put me to surgery right away. Then I know it's not possible, coz no matter what it's my own choice to do the surgery. But still I hate all the examining procedures. It was so painful for me to do the sampling already. How much can I take?
Then I went in, checked my blood pressure, telling my mom what she needs to bring to me (I have absolutely nothing, not even a piece of tissue paper), etc. Then the nurse said that my blood pressure is way too high, I need to lay down and check again 30 mins later. When I was lying on the bed, I couldn't calm myself down and I started crying, and trying to stop myself from crying. It made me headache. Staying in a hospital is not that scary, but the scariest part is that you don't know what's coming after you. The nurse don't know, the doctor only come once a day. You sit around all day waiting for the doctor to give you the bad news. That's a terrible feeling. You feel like you're in prison, coz you are so bored and you can't go anywhere. This time is a bit better coz we got a TV.
At dinner time, the nurse called me and another patient to go to get an ultrasound. And the doctor (who did my surgery) examined me. There's not much examination he can do. He just listen to what I said. And he said it sounds like a normal reaction after the checkup. But still he asked me to take off all my pants and he did an anal examination. You know it's weird that you show a stranger esp. a guy your genitalia. He's the first guy to see mine. And I feel totally professional. I thought it would be super uncomfortable. Thank God that it's fine.
Then after that, he said that I need to stay a night to see if I feel pain again. Then I can finally eat. (They asked me to not drink or eat anything right after I "check in") And the rest of day is just waiting, watching TV, reading my Problogger book, and listening to my low battery iPod. Nothing much had happen, which is really good.
I still feel discomfort coming from my uterus every now and then. But I can handle it. Tomorrow is a big day. I have a gyno appointment to see the result of my endomentrial sampling. That's a life and death decision for me. Life being the medication works and I don't have to go through surgery. Death being the medication doesn't work and I need to remove my uterus. Man, I really don't wanna go through surgery. I'm panicking now for the fact that I feel so calm. Usually when I feel really calm and positive, then the result is ALWAYS bad and worst than what I'd imagined. So I'm freaking out about the fact that I'm not freaking out.
How can you be mentally prepared for this? You can't. You never will be prepare to go through this. I know that I bought this to myself for being overweight. I've been overweight my whole life that I don't really have much health problems. All I have in insult and bully from others. But now, I also feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. I know it's weird to say so. But all the checkups are the most painful because I'm a virgin. Most people feel discomfort and I feel unbearable pain. Then now if I have to remove my uterus, that will definitely have an impact of my future sex life and love life. People may resent me because I can't have babies with them. There must be a mental barrier for me to have great sex. People may take advantage of me since I will never be pregnant that they refuse to wear condom. It's like I never tried anything in my life and then it's taken away from me. That's why I feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. It should be a good thing. Even though it's not by choice (I never face any losing my virginity situation), my family is pleased to know that I'm a virgin. My culture, my religion are all supporting the sex after marriage thing. So it's suppose to be a good thing. But I don't feel like it. That's really sad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh I haven't write about my weight loss process for a while. I stopped exercising after my check up. So it's like 10 days. It's too painful. I went to the gym 2 days ago and I still feel pain while cycling. I weighted in when I first "checked in" in the hospital and I weight 258 lb. Oh mine, I've lost 12 pounds since I start doing this. It's great. I'm not really dieting and that weight seems like a weight I get after I stop exercising for a while. So 2 days ago I weight in again in the gym, and I weight 261.4 lb., which is great. Oh and when the doctor did the examination at the hospital, he said that I look slimmer. Haha.
Even though I stopped working out for quite a while, my Tuesday workout is not too hard. I'm struggling with my pain and my strength, but my heart rate is not too high, which is always good. And I have strength to do my cardio and weights. Then I don't feel extreme tiredness the day after. I feel sooooo good for that workout. I wanna try running on the treadmill for 30 sec to 1 min. But then I'm so heavy that I feel like I will broke the treadmill in half. So I ended up doing a powerwalk for 2 mins. I really wish I can lose enough weight to start running again. That burn fat really fast.
Ronny xx
Last Wednesday I've decided to go to the Emergency Room and see if I can get some painkillers and all. So I went with my mom and waited for 2 hours. (Coz I'm not emergency) Then finally the doctor called me in and I told him what's wrong. Then he pressed my stomach a little so see if there's anything wrong. Nothing. Then he asked me to wait outside. After a while, they called me in again. Another ER physician took my finger and poked it, drew some blood and put on some test paper. That looks like diabetes test paper, but it could be testing my blood red vessel. I overheard the physician said that I'm gonna be hospitalized. And I asked her, "I need to be hospitalized?" She said yes. OH MY DEAR LORD!! That's my worst nightmare. I'm so afraid they will put me to surgery right away. Then I know it's not possible, coz no matter what it's my own choice to do the surgery. But still I hate all the examining procedures. It was so painful for me to do the sampling already. How much can I take?
Then I went in, checked my blood pressure, telling my mom what she needs to bring to me (I have absolutely nothing, not even a piece of tissue paper), etc. Then the nurse said that my blood pressure is way too high, I need to lay down and check again 30 mins later. When I was lying on the bed, I couldn't calm myself down and I started crying, and trying to stop myself from crying. It made me headache. Staying in a hospital is not that scary, but the scariest part is that you don't know what's coming after you. The nurse don't know, the doctor only come once a day. You sit around all day waiting for the doctor to give you the bad news. That's a terrible feeling. You feel like you're in prison, coz you are so bored and you can't go anywhere. This time is a bit better coz we got a TV.
At dinner time, the nurse called me and another patient to go to get an ultrasound. And the doctor (who did my surgery) examined me. There's not much examination he can do. He just listen to what I said. And he said it sounds like a normal reaction after the checkup. But still he asked me to take off all my pants and he did an anal examination. You know it's weird that you show a stranger esp. a guy your genitalia. He's the first guy to see mine. And I feel totally professional. I thought it would be super uncomfortable. Thank God that it's fine.
Then after that, he said that I need to stay a night to see if I feel pain again. Then I can finally eat. (They asked me to not drink or eat anything right after I "check in") And the rest of day is just waiting, watching TV, reading my Problogger book, and listening to my low battery iPod. Nothing much had happen, which is really good.
I still feel discomfort coming from my uterus every now and then. But I can handle it. Tomorrow is a big day. I have a gyno appointment to see the result of my endomentrial sampling. That's a life and death decision for me. Life being the medication works and I don't have to go through surgery. Death being the medication doesn't work and I need to remove my uterus. Man, I really don't wanna go through surgery. I'm panicking now for the fact that I feel so calm. Usually when I feel really calm and positive, then the result is ALWAYS bad and worst than what I'd imagined. So I'm freaking out about the fact that I'm not freaking out.
How can you be mentally prepared for this? You can't. You never will be prepare to go through this. I know that I bought this to myself for being overweight. I've been overweight my whole life that I don't really have much health problems. All I have in insult and bully from others. But now, I also feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. I know it's weird to say so. But all the checkups are the most painful because I'm a virgin. Most people feel discomfort and I feel unbearable pain. Then now if I have to remove my uterus, that will definitely have an impact of my future sex life and love life. People may resent me because I can't have babies with them. There must be a mental barrier for me to have great sex. People may take advantage of me since I will never be pregnant that they refuse to wear condom. It's like I never tried anything in my life and then it's taken away from me. That's why I feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. It should be a good thing. Even though it's not by choice (I never face any losing my virginity situation), my family is pleased to know that I'm a virgin. My culture, my religion are all supporting the sex after marriage thing. So it's suppose to be a good thing. But I don't feel like it. That's really sad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh I haven't write about my weight loss process for a while. I stopped exercising after my check up. So it's like 10 days. It's too painful. I went to the gym 2 days ago and I still feel pain while cycling. I weighted in when I first "checked in" in the hospital and I weight 258 lb. Oh mine, I've lost 12 pounds since I start doing this. It's great. I'm not really dieting and that weight seems like a weight I get after I stop exercising for a while. So 2 days ago I weight in again in the gym, and I weight 261.4 lb., which is great. Oh and when the doctor did the examination at the hospital, he said that I look slimmer. Haha.
Even though I stopped working out for quite a while, my Tuesday workout is not too hard. I'm struggling with my pain and my strength, but my heart rate is not too high, which is always good. And I have strength to do my cardio and weights. Then I don't feel extreme tiredness the day after. I feel sooooo good for that workout. I wanna try running on the treadmill for 30 sec to 1 min. But then I'm so heavy that I feel like I will broke the treadmill in half. So I ended up doing a powerwalk for 2 mins. I really wish I can lose enough weight to start running again. That burn fat really fast.
Ronny xx
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Day 45 - I decided to go to the Emergency Room
I started to think that having this big flow of periods are not normal. I have no just blood pieces coming out, but also weird stuff. So I think it's best to see the doctor and know what's going on. I'll go there in 2 hours.
But I started to worry that maybe the checkup worsen my situation and maybe removing the uterus will become a must after I see the doctor. That's my nightmare. I don't understand why every time going to the hospital are bad news. And you still need to go there every time and suck it up, deal with it. I'm still a little girl, I can't take all that. I feel so much pressure. And I feel so hopeless.
Let's see what happen. My mom is kind enough to give up her plans and go to the hospital with me. At least I have someone to talk to.
Ronny xx
But I started to worry that maybe the checkup worsen my situation and maybe removing the uterus will become a must after I see the doctor. That's my nightmare. I don't understand why every time going to the hospital are bad news. And you still need to go there every time and suck it up, deal with it. I'm still a little girl, I can't take all that. I feel so much pressure. And I feel so hopeless.
Let's see what happen. My mom is kind enough to give up her plans and go to the hospital with me. At least I have someone to talk to.
Ronny xx
Day 44 - I'm still in pain..
I have super serious PMS (or just stomach pain) after the check-up. And I'm bleeding like crazy. Just like being on the top flow days of my normal periods and stay there. It is really tough and scary. I don't know whether it's normal because of the side-effects of the pills, or is it an abnormal reaction due to the checkup. I'm a bit worried. But I'm still too lazy to go to the Emergency Room of the hospital that has been taking care for me. Coz they have all my medical records (not because it's an emergency). Maybe I'll wait a few more days and see what happen.
One of my best friend's birthday is coming up. I don't know what I should get her and the only thing that might be cool is to make a crochet doll for her. I tried to make it yesterday for the whole day, but I made it wrong. So I have to start over today. I'm making it 6 hours straight and I'm still nowhere near done. I need to finish it before our dinner tomorrow. So I'm slaving away for that. And I wanna make a small crochet pudding doll for my friends overseas. I try to post x'mas gifts and cards as much as I can every year. I'm really bad in keeping contacts, so a Christmas card may do the trick. But It's gonna be tiring to make like 10 of those. I'll make it with a string attached so they can hang it on the Christmas tree or on their bags. Hopefully I can finish it. Good thing is that the deadline for Christmas posting is on Dec. So I have some time to finish that.
I still feel a little pain and feeling a bit weak. I haven't been to the gym for more than a week. I go from quite fit and now I've probably gained weight. So hopefully I can go tomorrow or Friday. I'm just too lazy to go out sometimes.
Ronny xx
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Day 42 - Days after my check-up
Okay, not that many people are reading this, but I really have to record my first endometrial sampling experience here.
I just did my endometrial sampling 3 days ago. I thought it's the same thing I did with the surgery. In the surgery, they took everything out so I don't have periods afterwards and all that. There was no pain at all. But this time I have to do it sober. And turned out they use a vagina clip (tool) to open up your vagina and then put a tube in it and then pump your endometrium out. I have no idea that that vagina clip was that big and made of steel. It was super painful and it goes in my body and it's really unbearable. I can take needles, dental pain, etc. But pain in your vagina is totally unacceptable.
They asked me to count down 20 then the pain will be over. They have to put a tube in my uterus and after that, they will take out the clip, then the pain stopped. I can feel my blood and everything else go into the tube and I can see the nurse hold up the bottle that contain all those samples. They didn't take a lot.
Then everything else it's fine. Exact on the cab ride home, just a little bumpy and my stomach hurts like hell. Imagine your worst PMS pain that you can barely stand up. I got pain on my uterus really really bad (That's called PMS right?) It's the worst I've ever experienced. I can't sleep at night. And it's painful for 2 straight days. I have almost never experience PMS before in my life. When I was young, I have really "on-time" periods and I have no pain. Then after the surgery, I have a little discomfort if I work too much and carry too much stuff. That only lasted 3 days. Then after I took the medicine, the doctor said that the side-effects is stomach pain and probably wanna throw-up. But I'm lucky enough to only experience a little more discomfort (not pain) for like 5 minutes a day. So this time is really hardcore for me. I think the side-effects of the medicine the reason why I have a huge response to the sampling. I'm fine now. THANK GOD it only lasted 2 days. And I'm bleeding so much (it's actually periods, so I don't mind).
I'll know the result of the test and see whether the medicine is working for me. If yes, then YAY I don't have to go through surgery. But I still have to keep taking those medicine and take at least 2 more endometrial samplings, which I'm totally fine with. If no, then I have to go through the big surgery and remove my uterus. So keep praying for me please.
Keep believe in GOD, have faith and keep praying,
Ronny
I just did my endometrial sampling 3 days ago. I thought it's the same thing I did with the surgery. In the surgery, they took everything out so I don't have periods afterwards and all that. There was no pain at all. But this time I have to do it sober. And turned out they use a vagina clip (tool) to open up your vagina and then put a tube in it and then pump your endometrium out. I have no idea that that vagina clip was that big and made of steel. It was super painful and it goes in my body and it's really unbearable. I can take needles, dental pain, etc. But pain in your vagina is totally unacceptable.
They asked me to count down 20 then the pain will be over. They have to put a tube in my uterus and after that, they will take out the clip, then the pain stopped. I can feel my blood and everything else go into the tube and I can see the nurse hold up the bottle that contain all those samples. They didn't take a lot.
Then everything else it's fine. Exact on the cab ride home, just a little bumpy and my stomach hurts like hell. Imagine your worst PMS pain that you can barely stand up. I got pain on my uterus really really bad (That's called PMS right?) It's the worst I've ever experienced. I can't sleep at night. And it's painful for 2 straight days. I have almost never experience PMS before in my life. When I was young, I have really "on-time" periods and I have no pain. Then after the surgery, I have a little discomfort if I work too much and carry too much stuff. That only lasted 3 days. Then after I took the medicine, the doctor said that the side-effects is stomach pain and probably wanna throw-up. But I'm lucky enough to only experience a little more discomfort (not pain) for like 5 minutes a day. So this time is really hardcore for me. I think the side-effects of the medicine the reason why I have a huge response to the sampling. I'm fine now. THANK GOD it only lasted 2 days. And I'm bleeding so much (it's actually periods, so I don't mind).
I'll know the result of the test and see whether the medicine is working for me. If yes, then YAY I don't have to go through surgery. But I still have to keep taking those medicine and take at least 2 more endometrial samplings, which I'm totally fine with. If no, then I have to go through the big surgery and remove my uterus. So keep praying for me please.
Keep believe in GOD, have faith and keep praying,
Ronny
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Day 38 - Day before Checkup
Tomorrow is gonna be the day for my gyno checkup. Specifically is an endometrial sampling. As I said before, I'm really nervous because this is first time for me to do the test "sober". So I can probably feel something putting in, then pouring the salty water, scrubbing the insides etc. I just hope that it's not going to be painful. I know it's gonna be weird and uncomfortable. I can handle a little discomfort. But hopefully it's not a lot.
And of course the result will be out on Nov 21. That will be another day when my blood pressure go high-sky. Coz that result will determine my future basically. If the medicine works, then I can keep taking the medicine and do the sampling every 3 months. That's the best situation. The worst would be the medicine doesn't work and I have to remove my uterus. That's a big surgery and it might take a month to recover and it's gonna be really painful. And of course then I won't be able to have any babies in the future. I guess the worst scenario would be not only that I have to remove my uterus, if the mutated cells have became cancer cells, then I might have to go through chemo as well. That's the worst worst scenario.
I'm keep praying and hopefully it's all gonna be fine.
I'm not doing so well on working out and dieting. I still haven't successfully tried to go to the gym 3 times a week. I can't do that especially this week because I can't do exercise at least 3 days after the sampling (I need to ask the doctor about that). And sometimes I just wanna stay in like today. My relatives from China are horrible and they're finally gone. I have the whole house to myself the first time since 2 weeks ago. So I really wanna stay in.
And for dieting, I eat like 1700 calories yesterday. I'm kinda surprised. But then today I can't stop eating. I'm always hungry or really eager to eat. It's terrible. I need to keep the calories in a regular amount so I won't overeat.
Ronny xx
And of course the result will be out on Nov 21. That will be another day when my blood pressure go high-sky. Coz that result will determine my future basically. If the medicine works, then I can keep taking the medicine and do the sampling every 3 months. That's the best situation. The worst would be the medicine doesn't work and I have to remove my uterus. That's a big surgery and it might take a month to recover and it's gonna be really painful. And of course then I won't be able to have any babies in the future. I guess the worst scenario would be not only that I have to remove my uterus, if the mutated cells have became cancer cells, then I might have to go through chemo as well. That's the worst worst scenario.
I'm keep praying and hopefully it's all gonna be fine.
I'm not doing so well on working out and dieting. I still haven't successfully tried to go to the gym 3 times a week. I can't do that especially this week because I can't do exercise at least 3 days after the sampling (I need to ask the doctor about that). And sometimes I just wanna stay in like today. My relatives from China are horrible and they're finally gone. I have the whole house to myself the first time since 2 weeks ago. So I really wanna stay in.
And for dieting, I eat like 1700 calories yesterday. I'm kinda surprised. But then today I can't stop eating. I'm always hungry or really eager to eat. It's terrible. I need to keep the calories in a regular amount so I won't overeat.
Ronny xx
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