Day 31

Haven't write here for quite some time now. I feel kinda bad but nothing happens. And I wasn't dieting hardcore or going to the gym much. So nothing much to report here. It's not like anyone read these entries anyway.

My graduation went okay. It was super tiring though. I enjoyed the ceremony and it's kinda fun and hectic. I didn't know what I should do and I remember every rules clearly. I don't wanna mess up. That shows who I am: I take myself too seriously. 

My Grandma passed away almost 2 weeks ago and her funeral will be this coming Monday. This coming week is horrible coz not just I'm having my Grandma's funeral, I'm having my uterus check up next Friday. It's terrifying. Last time I did that was in a surgery and I didn't feel a thing. But this time I'm gonna do it just like that. I'm kinda worried that it's gonna be painful. My mom, who's definitely not a virgin and have 2 kids already, she said it's really uncomfortable and kinda painful. So I'm worried, really worried. I know that I put my focus in the wrong place, that I should be worrying the test result. But honestly I think almost all checkups are torture (And treatments too). So I hate the doctors who put me through this instead of blaming myself for getting myself into this situation. But I guess I have every right to be worried and scared. I know that I have to do the right thing, to get better. But psychologically I know that I'm not gonna be okay with the idea of doing the right thing. I'm not gonna be at ease about that idea. So I should focus on the positive things instead.

I had a really nice tea with my best friend. We talked about many things. I told him that after exercising, the endorphins will make me stay up until 3am without feeling sleepy. He asked is it because of the medication. I don't really know. I hope so. Coz it's crazy. The next day I get a "hangover" just like after drinking a strong cup of coffee and stay up all day, I become really sleepy and strengthless for the next day. I need to ask the doctor whether it's possible. I do react really strongly to caffeine these days. Maybe same as endorphins.

November is gonna be hell. First my Grandma's funeral, then my checkup, then my dental appointment (it's really painful by the way) and then my doctor's appointment to see the result. Then I can breathe.

I lose 2 pounds and I don't know why,

Ronny xx

Day 24 - Graduation this Saturday

After I made that pack with myself, I failed to do it this week. I feel a little pissed but it's fine. I need to start going three times a week next week. That's my goal right now. But until then, I'm not gonna give up this week yet. I finally went to the gym yesterday, and it was tough. I only stopped for 3 days then I gain like 1/2 pound of weight. Then my heart beat goes back to the non-working out rate. It's terrible. And I feel light-headed. It's not healty, man. I feel like I've been working out as much as I can and I should be physically fit a bit. But my heart rate is still very high and I don't feel like I have more strength or anything. It's frustrating. I just hope that I can keep doing it 3 times a week instead of 2.

On the other hand, it's hard for me to eat less. And I realized that my calculating of calories are off quite a bit. So when I think I'm eating 2300 to 2500 a day, I might actually be eating 2700-3000 a day. It's crazy. It doesn't seem a lot of food. So sometimes I'm not even full. Or sometimes I'm too full. It's hard to control. I really need to start eating less. Bit by bit. I'm afraid that my diet will backfire when I eat too little and I'll totally stress eat. But then I also need to make sure I'm not eating more than 2500 a day. It's gonna be hard.

I just found out about a reality show called The Biggest Loser like 2 months ago. I know it's season 6 now but it's the first time I heard about that show. They never play in Hong Kong. But I think it's a great show. It seems too dramatic for people to work out as harsh as that. But you can learn a lot about weight loss and how to eat healthy. And I started watching this season when I started to lose weight. So it feels like those people are losing weight together with me. Of course they did so much better than me. If I lose like 2 pounds in a week I'll be psyched. It seems very unhealthy to drop like 10 pounds a week. But I'm excited to watch the show and learn more about weight loss every week.

My graduation ceremony is this Saturday. I'm so not ready for that yet. I bought so many cosmetics coz I wanna put on some makeup. But now I totally don't wanna do that. And I need to buy a pair of heels for my suit under the cap and gown. All I ever wore are T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. So I don't have any other clothes or shoes to wear. Today I have to go and see if I can buy a pair of simple heels. My feet are too thick, so it's difficult to buy any forms of heels. How come I don't wanna do graduation at all? I feel it's too troublesome and it's all standard stuff and no fun. And I feel really uncomfortable when I have to wear stuff that I don't like to wear. And taking a bunch of pictures. You know people at my school actually go to the school campus for like 3-5 times, meet different friends and take pictures all over the campus. They took like 10 pictures of the same location doing different poses and then move on to another location. All I think I will do, is to take some pictures with my family and my classmates who are graduating the same day as me. Then I'm done.

Eat less,
Ronny xx

Day 22 - I made a pack!!

I was so pissed off at myself and feeling quite depressed. Then I realize that I need to find a way to fix it. No one can fix it for me. So then I try to think of something that will motivate me. The least I should do is to keep myself working out 3 days a week for a month. Coz a month is a time when you try to make something stick to your life. 

I realize that I need rewards to make myself do something. The best motivation is food and money. I can't do either coz if I have a good meal, all my hard work would be wasted, and I don't have money. Then maybe I should buy myself something. But then I don't want to buy myself something wasteful. I also feel that my dream is so fucking far away that it may never come true. So I need to do something that pull my dreams a little bit closer. So I've decided to buy something related to my Australia or New Zealand Working Holiday trips. And if I didn't workout, I won't have my reward, and I will pay myself $100 for punishment. That might be a good way to save money as well.

I need to get healthy desperately. And I don't want to do this in a super harsh and hell way. I can't do it like the Biggest Loser. I'll stop right after one workout. I tried to workout a bit tougher but then I can see the backfire already. So I'll do it slow and steady but for a long time.

But you know, today I feel more energetic and I feel good about myself. But I don't want to go out at all. So I skipped. I'll try again tomorrow. 

I made my very first curry today. It's really delicious. I can't believe how easy it is to make curry. Even easier than Spaghetti. And it's the best curry I've ever had. Hahaha. It's really sweet and not spicy at all. Coz I made Japanese curry.

Keep pushing,

Ronny xx

Day 16 - Medical Doctor's Appointment

I'm really pissed right now. I just came back from my medical doctor's appointment. When I first went in, oh beautiful young doctor, good that we can talk. We chat for a little bit and she said that my blood pressure is too high. (What a surprise, duh!) And she kept saying that it shouldn't be like that. You should lose weight. I told her I'm doing that now and I'm going to the gym and all. Then she said you should cut all your carbs in your diet. Carbs can make you fat tremendously. I'm like, I'm cutting my meat, then what should I eat? She said when you're hungry you can eat some nuts, maybe some carrots. God, who the hell will eat carrots? She just pisses me off. I almost cry in front of her.

Then I was walking to the nearby post office, I keep thinking about what she said. I'm a serious stress eater. I eat a lot when I'm stressful, when I'm hungry and when I'm depressed. That's why I tried so hard not to push myself too much, or else it will backfire. I don't want to waste all those hardworks for some emotional turmoil. I can't afford that. What does this doctor know? She has never been 270 pounds. She never know what it's like to be control by your urges to eat. She probably don't know how hard it is to lose weight. I told her that it's impossible for me to go back to a normal BMI. She said no of course it's possible. You just have to do it. I'm 156cm so my BMI is like 112 pounds. How is that possible? I haven't been 112 pounds since I was like 8. I don't believe that's possible. I'm not saying that the doctor is not professional. I just don't think that a person who see me for 5 seconds will know what's going with me, especially emotionally. She said that my body is like a 50-60-year-old. I really don't get that part. Okay, maybe my blood pressure is high and my heart beat is a bit higher. But other than that I'm perfectly normal. I did a body check like 3 years ago, right after I moved out of my dorm. My cholesterol level is normal, everything is normal. The only thing I have wrong with me back then was overweight. That's why it affects my hormones and blood pressure. That's it.

I really don't know how much weight I should lose is order to get my blood pressure to lower a little bit. Probably 60 pounds? I really don't know. I just think it's so crazy that the doctor tells you how sick you are but you feel perfectly normal. I actually feel healthy.

So today at lunch, I overeat. I eat all the rice and so many meat. See, stress eating. 

You see, when I think about, there are so many unresolved issues in my life. I kinda know the reason why I response too big when people touch my back and wrist. It's true I'm ticklish. But it's probably also true that what happen to me in grade school haunted me for life. I can't cry also because something happen in grade school. I have all these hate, anger and emotions that I don't know how to handle them. I have next to zero self-esteem. I just swallow all those feelings and live in denial. It doesn't mean that those emotions and problems have been solved. So every now and then, it will explode. And people think I'm crazy.

I just can't stop thinking that my life would be over if the nutritionist I will see in December is the same as today's doctor. I went to see a nutritionist once. She's so fucking rude that I swear I never go back. I hate those doctors who tell you everything in theory and expect you to do that right away. Please, if I can do that, I'll weight 100 pounds now. You can't ignore emotions and feelings. You can't do the right thing because it's right. You can push it all the way to the end in just one day. You need to do it one step at a time. And pushing doesn't work for me. I need inspiration and initiative. It's slow but that's the best way. Extreme dieting makes me feel like an animal. I don't feel alive. I don't feel like I'm a human being. I would rather die, seriously. 

I'm hormonal as always so I'm having anger headache. Damn those doctors,

Ronny xx

Day 15 - Feeling Healthy

Photo by C r u s a d e r

Sorry for not writing for more than a week. I'm the worst blogger ever. Last week was interesting coz I only went to the gym on Mon and Sat. I kept swearing that I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, then I gave up when I wake up that day. It's horrible but I'm quite okay with it. The key to keep it going is not to stress yourself out. At least for me. I wanna take the initiative to work out and keep it stress free. If you miss, it's fine, don't worry, just keep trying.

The funny thing is, when I weighted in on Sat, I actually dropped 3.5 pounds. I didn't work out. I was home watching TV on my computer the whole time. I didn't over eat though. And I'm lighter? It's good news. But then I went to the gym yesterday and my weight is completely the same. That's fine. I weight 262.6 pounds now. It's just a little progress but at least that's something.

Working out on Monday was terrible. Every time you go to the gym, your body is different. Sometimes you're both out of breathe and strength, that's fine. Then sometimes, especially if you haven't go to the gym for like a week, then you muscles are still there but you're out of breathe. So you have to slow down to keep your heart rate to about 131-140. Then sometimes you can feel that your cardio is improved but you don't have enough strength to work out. Those days are the most terrible coz you need to go faster or put on more weight or speed in order to keep your heart rate at 131-140. If you're lower than that, you're not burning off anything basically. Then you just feel your body is shutting down. That's tough.

On Monday, my heart rate is too high but I want to switch machines so that I can get more out of the workout. I guess I'm pushing myself too much. I actually feel a bit light-headed and really hungry. My heart rate is at least 150 and never seem to be able to slow down. But I have enough strength to do that, so I just keep going. It's not good that way. But I gain a lot of muscle which is good.

Eating wise, I'm not doing too good. I kinda have decided that I'm not going to go on diet. But I'll definitely try to eat healthier. I bought shredded wheat cereal. They are the worst cereal ever but it's a lot of fibre and it's good for your body. You feel full for a very long time and that's awesome. My trick is to mix it with brown rice cereal and frostie cornflakes. Then it's yummy. Haha. And I need to cut down oil I'm having, especially when I cook. I'm eating way too much oil. And of course try to eat 800-1000 for a meal. Now since I'm eating breakfast, I eat 3 meals a day. It's good to have breakfast I know. But when I wake up at 11.30am, there's no point to have breakfast. Or else I'll be having breakfast at 12noon, then lunch at 3pm and dinner at 8pm. It's bad. So I'll stick to 2 meals a day and maybe make the cereal as my tea time snack. If I don't have a straight diet, then I'll be less stressful and then I won't stress eat. Everytime when I'm stressed, I really wanna stuff myself. That's not good.

Stay healthy,
Ronny xx

Day 5, 6 and 7

Day 5 - Gym Time!!

Went to the gym with my sister. I sleep around 3am recently and so I can't get up until 11am. That's a vicious cycle coz half a day is gone and I wasted them. And it's always bad for my health if I sleep late. But then I heard another theory that it's okay if you sleep late, just make sure you sleep and wake up at the same exact time every day. I dunno which one is true. I don't feel sick or anything. I once heard that if you sleep late or don't have enough sleep, your body will crave more food and esp. the high calories ones. But I don't have that craving now. I have cravings just because I want to control my diet, and that always backfired.

So we went to the gym and work out. It was fine. And I try to push myself to lift heavier weight. It feels good afterwards. I found that the day that I go to the gym, I can stay up until 3am and not feel sleepy. Is it because of endorphin? Then it acts like caffeine?

Day 6 - Going to Church

My parents were out of town this weekend. I really wanna keep going to church coz I know how it's like to live without Jesus Christ. It's horrible. My life is a total mess, hence the 60 pounds of weight. But it's really hard for me to wake up and go to church early in the morning. And I feel like I'm drifting away from God. I do believe in God, it's just that sometimes my values are different from His. And it's hard to be a person that He wants me to be. I'm trying but it's not good enough. I guess I really have to find a fellowship, a group of people that can support me and care about me. So I would care about them to keep going to church and get involved. But seems like there isn't a group for me yet. I dunno what to do. Today's church is really boring. Kids screaming and running around. And we sing a lot of songs that I used to sing when I was a kid in the church. Brought back some weird feelings.

Day 7 - Blood Test

I'm having my medical appointment on Oct 15 and the doctor asked me to go to the hospital a week before appointment to get my blood sample. I asked him to give me medicine for my blood pressure before my surgery. And he wanted to know how I am responding to the new drug. I'm not sure whether the medicine is working coz my blood pressure seems the same. And I suspect that when I was in the hospital for the surgery, I've taken the same blood test already. But I still need to do it just for sure.

I planned to go to the gym this morning. I wanna go back to my Mon, Wed, Fri schedule. But then I was watching Heroes last night and got totally hooked. So I slept at 2:30am and can't, for the love of God, get up at 9am to go to the gym. I had this plan to go to the gym and then have lunch with my sister. But of course I didn't do that. I woke up late and after I had my lunch, I figure that I don't have time to go to the gym before going to the hospital. I really wanna quit. But I don't wanna go to the gym on another holiday (which is tomorrow) and I have like an hour to do that. So I get my lazy ass to the gym right away.

I'm so glad that I did went to the gym, even though I only have 45 mins to workout. I don't care. And thank you God so much for making me go. I can't do that myself. 

My sister is kind enough for go to the hospital with me. My mom told me that it could take hours for me to line up. First you have to take a number, then wait for your turn. I have like 20 numbers in front of me and no more than 20 minutes, it's my turn. Then I went in, give the nurse my doctor's note, confirm my name and ID. Then the nurse starts looking for my vein.

Most people take blood out from their arms, right? I'm fat and it's hard to find already. My vein is deeper than most people. I remember when I was 19 and my school have this blood drive (or blood donation). The nurse gave a shot of anesthetic, then looked for my vein for like 30 mins. She poked me 3 times before she succeed. And I felt the needle going down my skin, no pain of course, then here comes the pain, that the anesthetic didn't go deep enough. Wow!! Then when I was hospitalize the last time, there's this lady who's a professional in drawing blood. I guess I'm her bottleneck of her career. She said it's easier to draw blood from a new born baby than me. Haha. I'm not scare of needle, it's kinda fascinating. But I got scared of drawing blood when I was in the hospital. The only place they can draw my blood is from the back of my hands. Both of my hands are full of needle holes. It's really painful. And it often takes 2 attempts before they succeed. I've counted that I have 10 needles during my stay at the hospital. It's crazy. All I need is like 6 needles but I ended up having 10.

So today, I'm all prepared to be poked for a few times. And I'm ready to do it painful on the back of my hand again. The nurse took like 1 second to try on my arm, then she looked at the back of my hand, then look at my wrist. Holy moly she took my blood from the wrist!! I guess there's a reason why the doctors don't draw my blood from the wrist before. I guess it's pretty dangerous. I dunno why. But the fact is, taking blood from the wrist is quick and less painful. Why didn't they do that before? 

All together, less than half an hour, I'm all done. This is my happiest blood drawing experience. Hehe.

Day 4 - slacking off

I'm guessing "slacking off" will become my title a lot. I didn't go to the gym today coz I'm getting up too late. And I convinced myself that I'll go to the gym with my sister tomorrow. It's always easier if someone is coming with me. These two days, my health diary shows that I'm not having as much calories as I had at the beginning of this week. I know it's impossible coz I'm eating A LOT! I'm really full every time I finish my meal. But most of the records are guess work. Coz I can't find the right calories from the internet. Anyway, all I need is not to over eat. Then I'm fine.

I always think a lot of things when I'm in the shower. I guess when I'm washing my hair, I'm relaxing my head and thoughts come right at me. I always have better solutions or plans when I'm at the shower. But today, I'm thinking the negatives. I'm not sad or depressed. It's just I'm thinking.

I haven't mentioned it here that I might have uterus cancer. I don't have it yet but it's getting there. I'm having irregular periods for almost 3 years and then the doctor found that I have irregular cell activity in my uterus. And since I'm just 25 (I was 24 when I have the checkup surgery), they recommended me to take this pill instead of performing uterus removal surgery. So I'm on the first 3 months of pill taking and will have a checkup in Nov. The doctor said after taking the pills, I'm very likely will not have period for 3 months. But here I am, starting on Tue, I have periods. A little less than the normal flow, but more than what I had before the surgery. I'm kinda worried that it won't stop like my last period (it lasted 3 1/2 months!!). It's irritating when you keep bleeding and don't know when it'll stop. Then I'm starting to think if there gonna be a complication with my situation? If the pills don't work, will my body developed into uterus cancer? Man, I don't want to do the surgery, not to mention chemo and the radiation treatment. It's hell, literally. Imagine the treatment is a real damage to your body. And those treatments make you weaker than ever and might not ever recover.

I know I'm getting myself way too ahead here. But I gotta do something before it's too late. If the period won't stop next week, I'll definitely go to the gym 5 days a week. That's the only thing I can do. I won't go on hardcore diet coz it'll totally depress me. I can eat healthier meal but I'm definitely feed myself to full in every meal. And I'm wondering if I have limited time, I should not wait anymore but to go ahead and make my dreams come true. I just wanna go travel and maybe live in New York City for a while. Even just travel around USA and visit all my friends. Road trip!! That's all I want if I have a short period of time to live. I'll definitely start writing my memoir and tidy up all the diaries I have for the past 10-12 years. I'll make as much art as I can. I'll write long letters to every single person that I care about, family and friends, even Sean Faris maybe. Haha. I wanna tell them how much I love them, and what I think they should do. I figure if I'm dying, I can tell everyone what I want to say, maybe even don't have to consider their feelings.

I might be sorry for the fact that I've never been kissed, hugged, made out, or had sex with anyone before. The first person who ever seen my pussy is my doctor. That's really pathetic. I don't care about staying a virgin until I'm married. I can be 45 and still a virgin. But there's nothing I can do about it. I should just let it go. I'm not afraid to say it. Please don't feel sorry for me.

Having said all these, I should prepare the fact that I might have a long hard journey to go. I might have to go through all the terrible treatments I've been fear to take. By then, maybe I really need to see a shrink. I can't handle all these feelings by myself. I'm not as strong as my mother. She's crazily strong. But I can't talk to her coz she won't understand. I can't just do the right thing, my heart is tearing apart from all these pain and fear. Fear is the worst thing. And that's the only thing I have to get through. My head is always disconnected to my heart.

I'm getting hormonal now with the meds. I'm like a pregnant woman. My tummy is in pain, especially these few days. I don't really have PMS in my life, I'm lucky. But now it's all catching up to me. The only bad thing about being hormonal is that I get really emotional. Every time when I see things that are touching, I cried. But in a really hard, painful and headache kind of way. It's weird. I shut down all my feelings when I was really young. I don't know how much this will help. And I just realize that crying can't help much. I never feel better or really positive after crying. I might as well go run around the block, that will make me happier.

Going to the gym tmr!! Definitely!!

Day 2 and 3

I'm too lazy to write 2 separate entries hahaha. I went to the gym with my sister on Day 2. It's a public holiday (the anniversary of the establishment day of China). Mental note: Don't go to the gym in a public holiday afternoon. Why? Coz there are so many muscular men hanging out around the lifting area that you have no chance to use all those lifting machine. I need to work on my back, buddy!!

Anyway, since I've skipped gym for 2 weeks, I need to make sure that my body is ready to train again. So I go cycling and walking on a treadmill and make sure that my pulse is between 131-150. In my experience, if your pulse go beyond 150, it will be cardio training but not fat burning. My leg is strong enough so it's not hard. It's just that my pulse is higher than before. So I need to keep track of it.

I'm really tired from all the lifting and situp-ing. I don't know how much I can lift anymore so I just go back to the weight I lift 2 weeks ago. Turn out it's too much. So I'm really tired. Thank God I'm just tired, not soar. I can't do soar very well. Hahaha.

Another miracle thing is that I only gain 0.5 pounds. I thought I'll go back to 270 pounds for sure. I guess my muscle weight turn back to fat weight. That's why it kinda balanced out.

I didn't do diet very well. I'm having fast food and all that. But I figured that if you're working hard in the gym, you should eat something you really want to comfort yourself or whatever. I need to keep myself happy and mentally healthy. Coz I know how fucked up I'd been if I'm depressed or sad.

Today, on Day 3, I did planned to go to the gym again. I wanna try to go to the gym 3-5 times a day. But then I'm too tired and I don't have much strength to get up or walk for that matter. So I just stayed home. I'm spending way too much on Day 2 anyway. I had lunch with soap, veggie, curry rice and egg pancake. After I calculate the calories, it turned out to be more than 1000 calories. And over my price budget too. Well, I don't have any other things to eat anyway. (Oh I've forgotten that I have a burrito at my freezer, haha). And at dinner, I ate like 2 bowls of rice. I'm so hungry that I felt so weak. It's crazy. 

I realized that I'm actually kinda girlie. I'm thinking about what I wanna do after I lose weight. I wanna wear high-heels, summer dresses, chic rocker outfit. And I wanna go travel, try rafting, rappelling, and sky dive. I'm not girlie in real life, personality-wise I'm kinda normal. Haha. Not tomboyish and not girlie. Kinda in between. And I wear T-shirts, jeans and sneakers. That's the only thing that fit me. I tried to get a pair of heels for my graduation. I couldn't find anything coz my feet are too fat. It's ridiculous. I need heels for my suit and gown. What should I do?