Day 16 - Medical Doctor's Appointment

I'm really pissed right now. I just came back from my medical doctor's appointment. When I first went in, oh beautiful young doctor, good that we can talk. We chat for a little bit and she said that my blood pressure is too high. (What a surprise, duh!) And she kept saying that it shouldn't be like that. You should lose weight. I told her I'm doing that now and I'm going to the gym and all. Then she said you should cut all your carbs in your diet. Carbs can make you fat tremendously. I'm like, I'm cutting my meat, then what should I eat? She said when you're hungry you can eat some nuts, maybe some carrots. God, who the hell will eat carrots? She just pisses me off. I almost cry in front of her.

Then I was walking to the nearby post office, I keep thinking about what she said. I'm a serious stress eater. I eat a lot when I'm stressful, when I'm hungry and when I'm depressed. That's why I tried so hard not to push myself too much, or else it will backfire. I don't want to waste all those hardworks for some emotional turmoil. I can't afford that. What does this doctor know? She has never been 270 pounds. She never know what it's like to be control by your urges to eat. She probably don't know how hard it is to lose weight. I told her that it's impossible for me to go back to a normal BMI. She said no of course it's possible. You just have to do it. I'm 156cm so my BMI is like 112 pounds. How is that possible? I haven't been 112 pounds since I was like 8. I don't believe that's possible. I'm not saying that the doctor is not professional. I just don't think that a person who see me for 5 seconds will know what's going with me, especially emotionally. She said that my body is like a 50-60-year-old. I really don't get that part. Okay, maybe my blood pressure is high and my heart beat is a bit higher. But other than that I'm perfectly normal. I did a body check like 3 years ago, right after I moved out of my dorm. My cholesterol level is normal, everything is normal. The only thing I have wrong with me back then was overweight. That's why it affects my hormones and blood pressure. That's it.

I really don't know how much weight I should lose is order to get my blood pressure to lower a little bit. Probably 60 pounds? I really don't know. I just think it's so crazy that the doctor tells you how sick you are but you feel perfectly normal. I actually feel healthy.

So today at lunch, I overeat. I eat all the rice and so many meat. See, stress eating. 

You see, when I think about, there are so many unresolved issues in my life. I kinda know the reason why I response too big when people touch my back and wrist. It's true I'm ticklish. But it's probably also true that what happen to me in grade school haunted me for life. I can't cry also because something happen in grade school. I have all these hate, anger and emotions that I don't know how to handle them. I have next to zero self-esteem. I just swallow all those feelings and live in denial. It doesn't mean that those emotions and problems have been solved. So every now and then, it will explode. And people think I'm crazy.

I just can't stop thinking that my life would be over if the nutritionist I will see in December is the same as today's doctor. I went to see a nutritionist once. She's so fucking rude that I swear I never go back. I hate those doctors who tell you everything in theory and expect you to do that right away. Please, if I can do that, I'll weight 100 pounds now. You can't ignore emotions and feelings. You can't do the right thing because it's right. You can push it all the way to the end in just one day. You need to do it one step at a time. And pushing doesn't work for me. I need inspiration and initiative. It's slow but that's the best way. Extreme dieting makes me feel like an animal. I don't feel alive. I don't feel like I'm a human being. I would rather die, seriously. 

I'm hormonal as always so I'm having anger headache. Damn those doctors,

Ronny xx