Day 4 - slacking off

I'm guessing "slacking off" will become my title a lot. I didn't go to the gym today coz I'm getting up too late. And I convinced myself that I'll go to the gym with my sister tomorrow. It's always easier if someone is coming with me. These two days, my health diary shows that I'm not having as much calories as I had at the beginning of this week. I know it's impossible coz I'm eating A LOT! I'm really full every time I finish my meal. But most of the records are guess work. Coz I can't find the right calories from the internet. Anyway, all I need is not to over eat. Then I'm fine.

I always think a lot of things when I'm in the shower. I guess when I'm washing my hair, I'm relaxing my head and thoughts come right at me. I always have better solutions or plans when I'm at the shower. But today, I'm thinking the negatives. I'm not sad or depressed. It's just I'm thinking.

I haven't mentioned it here that I might have uterus cancer. I don't have it yet but it's getting there. I'm having irregular periods for almost 3 years and then the doctor found that I have irregular cell activity in my uterus. And since I'm just 25 (I was 24 when I have the checkup surgery), they recommended me to take this pill instead of performing uterus removal surgery. So I'm on the first 3 months of pill taking and will have a checkup in Nov. The doctor said after taking the pills, I'm very likely will not have period for 3 months. But here I am, starting on Tue, I have periods. A little less than the normal flow, but more than what I had before the surgery. I'm kinda worried that it won't stop like my last period (it lasted 3 1/2 months!!). It's irritating when you keep bleeding and don't know when it'll stop. Then I'm starting to think if there gonna be a complication with my situation? If the pills don't work, will my body developed into uterus cancer? Man, I don't want to do the surgery, not to mention chemo and the radiation treatment. It's hell, literally. Imagine the treatment is a real damage to your body. And those treatments make you weaker than ever and might not ever recover.

I know I'm getting myself way too ahead here. But I gotta do something before it's too late. If the period won't stop next week, I'll definitely go to the gym 5 days a week. That's the only thing I can do. I won't go on hardcore diet coz it'll totally depress me. I can eat healthier meal but I'm definitely feed myself to full in every meal. And I'm wondering if I have limited time, I should not wait anymore but to go ahead and make my dreams come true. I just wanna go travel and maybe live in New York City for a while. Even just travel around USA and visit all my friends. Road trip!! That's all I want if I have a short period of time to live. I'll definitely start writing my memoir and tidy up all the diaries I have for the past 10-12 years. I'll make as much art as I can. I'll write long letters to every single person that I care about, family and friends, even Sean Faris maybe. Haha. I wanna tell them how much I love them, and what I think they should do. I figure if I'm dying, I can tell everyone what I want to say, maybe even don't have to consider their feelings.

I might be sorry for the fact that I've never been kissed, hugged, made out, or had sex with anyone before. The first person who ever seen my pussy is my doctor. That's really pathetic. I don't care about staying a virgin until I'm married. I can be 45 and still a virgin. But there's nothing I can do about it. I should just let it go. I'm not afraid to say it. Please don't feel sorry for me.

Having said all these, I should prepare the fact that I might have a long hard journey to go. I might have to go through all the terrible treatments I've been fear to take. By then, maybe I really need to see a shrink. I can't handle all these feelings by myself. I'm not as strong as my mother. She's crazily strong. But I can't talk to her coz she won't understand. I can't just do the right thing, my heart is tearing apart from all these pain and fear. Fear is the worst thing. And that's the only thing I have to get through. My head is always disconnected to my heart.

I'm getting hormonal now with the meds. I'm like a pregnant woman. My tummy is in pain, especially these few days. I don't really have PMS in my life, I'm lucky. But now it's all catching up to me. The only bad thing about being hormonal is that I get really emotional. Every time when I see things that are touching, I cried. But in a really hard, painful and headache kind of way. It's weird. I shut down all my feelings when I was really young. I don't know how much this will help. And I just realize that crying can't help much. I never feel better or really positive after crying. I might as well go run around the block, that will make me happier.

Going to the gym tmr!! Definitely!!