Day 31

Haven't write here for quite some time now. I feel kinda bad but nothing happens. And I wasn't dieting hardcore or going to the gym much. So nothing much to report here. It's not like anyone read these entries anyway.

My graduation went okay. It was super tiring though. I enjoyed the ceremony and it's kinda fun and hectic. I didn't know what I should do and I remember every rules clearly. I don't wanna mess up. That shows who I am: I take myself too seriously. 

My Grandma passed away almost 2 weeks ago and her funeral will be this coming Monday. This coming week is horrible coz not just I'm having my Grandma's funeral, I'm having my uterus check up next Friday. It's terrifying. Last time I did that was in a surgery and I didn't feel a thing. But this time I'm gonna do it just like that. I'm kinda worried that it's gonna be painful. My mom, who's definitely not a virgin and have 2 kids already, she said it's really uncomfortable and kinda painful. So I'm worried, really worried. I know that I put my focus in the wrong place, that I should be worrying the test result. But honestly I think almost all checkups are torture (And treatments too). So I hate the doctors who put me through this instead of blaming myself for getting myself into this situation. But I guess I have every right to be worried and scared. I know that I have to do the right thing, to get better. But psychologically I know that I'm not gonna be okay with the idea of doing the right thing. I'm not gonna be at ease about that idea. So I should focus on the positive things instead.

I had a really nice tea with my best friend. We talked about many things. I told him that after exercising, the endorphins will make me stay up until 3am without feeling sleepy. He asked is it because of the medication. I don't really know. I hope so. Coz it's crazy. The next day I get a "hangover" just like after drinking a strong cup of coffee and stay up all day, I become really sleepy and strengthless for the next day. I need to ask the doctor whether it's possible. I do react really strongly to caffeine these days. Maybe same as endorphins.

November is gonna be hell. First my Grandma's funeral, then my checkup, then my dental appointment (it's really painful by the way) and then my doctor's appointment to see the result. Then I can breathe.

I lose 2 pounds and I don't know why,

Ronny xx