Day 54 - Result is out tomorrow.

I thought I've written my hospitalized experience here. No biggy. It's not like people are waiting for my entry. Ha.

Last Wednesday I've decided to go to the Emergency Room and see if I can get some painkillers and all. So I went with my mom and waited for 2 hours. (Coz I'm not emergency) Then finally the doctor called me in and I told him what's wrong. Then he pressed my stomach a little so see if there's anything wrong. Nothing. Then he asked me to wait outside. After a while, they called me in again. Another ER physician took my finger and poked it, drew some blood and put on some test paper. That looks like diabetes test paper, but it could be testing my blood red vessel. I overheard the physician said that I'm gonna be hospitalized. And I asked her, "I need to be hospitalized?" She said yes. OH MY DEAR LORD!! That's my worst nightmare. I'm so afraid they will put me to surgery right away. Then I know it's not possible, coz no matter what it's my own choice to do the surgery. But still I hate all the examining procedures. It was so painful for me to do the sampling already. How much can I take?

Then I went in, checked my blood pressure, telling my mom what she needs to bring to me (I have absolutely nothing, not even a piece of tissue paper), etc. Then the nurse said that my blood pressure is way too high, I need to lay down and check again 30 mins later. When I was lying on the bed, I couldn't calm myself down and I started crying, and trying to stop myself from crying. It made me headache. Staying in a hospital is not that scary, but the scariest part is that you don't know what's coming after you. The nurse don't know, the doctor only come once a day. You sit around all day waiting for the doctor to give you the bad news. That's a terrible feeling. You feel like you're in prison, coz you are so bored and you can't go anywhere. This time is a bit better coz we got a TV.

At dinner time, the nurse called me and another patient to go to get an ultrasound. And the doctor (who did my surgery) examined me. There's not much examination he can do. He just listen to what I said. And he said it sounds like a normal reaction after the checkup. But still he asked me to take off all my pants and he did an anal examination. You know it's weird that you show a stranger esp. a guy your genitalia. He's the first guy to see mine. And I feel totally professional. I thought it would be super uncomfortable. Thank God that it's fine.

Then after that, he said that I need to stay a night to see if I feel pain again. Then I can finally eat. (They asked me to not drink or eat anything right after I "check in") And the rest of day is just waiting, watching TV, reading my Problogger book, and listening to my low battery iPod. Nothing much had happen, which is really good.

I still feel discomfort coming from my uterus every now and then. But I can handle it. Tomorrow is a big day. I have a gyno appointment to see the result of my endomentrial sampling. That's a life and death decision for me. Life being the medication works and I don't have to go through surgery. Death being the medication doesn't work and I need to remove my uterus. Man, I really don't wanna go through surgery. I'm panicking now for the fact that I feel so calm. Usually when I feel really calm and positive, then the result is ALWAYS bad and worst than what I'd imagined. So I'm freaking out about the fact that I'm not freaking out.

How can you be mentally prepared for this? You can't. You never will be prepare to go through this. I know that I bought this to myself for being overweight. I've been overweight my whole life that I don't really have much health problems. All I have in insult and bully from others. But now, I also feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. I know it's weird to say so. But all the checkups are the most painful because I'm a virgin. Most people feel discomfort and I feel unbearable pain. Then now if I have to remove my uterus, that will definitely have an impact of my future sex life and love life. People may resent me because I can't have babies with them. There must be a mental barrier for me to have great sex. People may take advantage of me since I will never be pregnant that they refuse to wear condom. It's like I never tried anything in my life and then it's taken away from me. That's why I feel like I'm being punished of being a virgin. It should be a good thing. Even though it's not by choice (I never face any losing my virginity situation), my family is pleased to know that I'm a virgin. My culture, my religion are all supporting the sex after marriage thing. So it's suppose to be a good thing. But I don't feel like it. That's really sad.

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Oh I haven't write about my weight loss process for a while. I stopped exercising after my check up. So it's like 10 days. It's too painful. I went to the gym 2 days ago and I still feel pain while cycling. I weighted in when I first "checked in" in the hospital and I weight 258 lb. Oh mine, I've lost 12 pounds since I start doing this. It's great. I'm not really dieting and that weight seems like a weight I get after I stop exercising for a while. So 2 days ago I weight in again in the gym, and I weight 261.4 lb., which is great. Oh and when the doctor did the examination at the hospital, he said that I look slimmer. Haha.

Even though I stopped working out for quite a while, my Tuesday workout is not too hard. I'm struggling with my pain and my strength, but my heart rate is not too high, which is always good. And I have strength to do my cardio and weights. Then I don't feel extreme tiredness the day after. I feel sooooo good for that workout. I wanna try running on the treadmill for 30 sec to 1 min. But then I'm so heavy that I feel like I will broke the treadmill in half. So I ended up doing a powerwalk for 2 mins. I really wish I can lose enough weight to start running again. That burn fat really fast.

Ronny xx